Hot Topics
by EvilRegalDearie
Summary: The Ouat characters discuss hot topics. Fourth one, Neal's death.
1. Chapter 1 Miley Cyrus

"I like her." Regina stated, putting her apple pie in the oven. "She's unique, I like that about her."

"Eww, no." Emma responded, disgust etched on her face. "She's a slut."

"She used to be such a sweet girl, I don't know what happened to her." Snow replied, nervously looking in Regina's direction.

"She's not a slut, Emma," Neal said, responding to her comment. "She just grew up."

"I agree with Emma." Gold communicated. "The girl is rather promiscuous."

"First of all, Miley Cyrus isn't a slut. She happened to be engaged to the same guy for years. And second, weren't you into racy Lacey, Gold?" Regina asked.

"That's different." Rumple said. "If I couldn't have Belle, Lacey would have had to do. Besides, you made her that way, not me."

"Regina's right, she's not a slut," David chimed in, agreeing with the brunette. "But don't you think she's a little showy?" He asked Regina.

"So what." The former mayor replied. "There's nothing wrong with a woman showing some skin."

"Of course you would say that." Snow whispered, sipping on her tea.

"And what's that supposed to mean?" Regina retorted.

The princess shrugged. "It's just, back in the Enchanted Forest you weren't shy with expressing your beauty."

Regina smirked. "I am beautiful aren't I?"

Emma rolled her eyes. "Oh please. Miley may not be a slut, but would it kill her to tone it down a bit? Little kids used to look up to her, they don't exactly want to see her grinding against Robin Thicke."

"She's a grown woman now. She can do whatever she wants. If she's not hurting anyone what's the problem?" Regina asked.

"She's hurting the youth." Snow pointed out.

"Please. If their parents don't want them watching her, they should censor what their children watch on tv. How exactly is it Miley's fault if parents don't do that?"

"Regina's got a point," David responded, agreeing once more with the brunette.  
"It is the parents responsibility to know what their children are watching on television."

"Thank you." Regina said.

"The girl is clearly an attention whore." Killian communicated, breaking his silence.  
"My guess is daddy issues?"

"She's having the time of her life. Even if she is vying for attention, she can do that. She's a fricken celebrity." The brunette responded.

"I just don't respect her anymore." Emma said. "She's doing too much. She is a woman now so she can do whatever she wants, but does she have to do it in front of everyone else?"

"Maybe she's a little too expressive." Regina suggested. "But I still like her music."

Gold raised an eyebrow. "You listen to her music?"

"I'm a sucker for all things Wrecking Ball." Regina told him.


	2. Chapter 2 Spongebob

"How perverted is that show?" Emma asked.

"Why do you think I never let Henry watch it?" Regina said.

Snow shrugged, "I like Spongebob."

"Hold up, hold up," Neal stated, "there's nothing wrong with Spongebob."

Regina scoffed, "He's a sponge who works at burger restaurant under the sea. The show is nothing but foolishness."

"Yeah, but it's fun to watch." Neal defended.

"The mind of a five year old." Regina muttered.

"Why do you like it?" Emma asked her mother. "Aren't you a little too old for Spongebob?"

"I'm about the same age as you, Emma." Snow responded, looking at a bird who was perched on top of a tree.

"Which is another topic..." Regina said, turning around from the sink, ready to discuss why everyone is so close in age.

"One topic at a time, lass. Wouldn't want to digress." Killian spoke.

"Fine, but one day we need to wrap our heads around this." The brunette stated.

"I like it, Emma, because Spongebob is always so optimistic. He believes in everyone, even Squidward." Snow said, answering her daughter's question.

"You haven't noticed the hidden messages?" Emma asked.

Snow shook her head.

"They're everywhere." The savior replied.

"Well, he's a sponge that's observant. I think that's a message in it's itself." Killian replied.

"I don't follow." Gold communicated.

"Like a tampon, dad." Neal said, lowering his voice and stuffing his hands into his pockets.

Mr. Gold grimaced in repulsion.

"That's one person's interpretation." Snow responded.  
"A person with a rather wild imagination."

"You clearly missed the episode when Spongebob, Patrick, and Mr. Krabs go panty raiding." Regina said, putting her lasagna in the oven.  
"No one needs to interpret that, Snow. That's pretty self explanatory."

"Not to mention the episode when Spongebob tries to get Gary to take a bath." Emma chimed in.

"I've seen that one." Cora said. "He takes two bars of soap out of the bathtub and tells the snail not to drop them. That was clearly an innuendo."

"For what?" Snow asked, look of confusion washing over her features.

"You don't know?" Cora asked her.

"I get that the panty raiding episode is unacceptable. And I understand that people think he's a metaphor for a certain lady product. But I don't understand the soap situation. Why tell Gary not to drop them?"

The queen of hearts smirked, "When a man goes to jail..."

"Cora!" Emma yelled.

"What? She doesn't understand it, I'm just helping her." Cora replied.

"Yeah right." The blonde said. "You just want to scar her."

"Well someone's got to do it. Or would you like to explain it her?"

Emma didn't feel comfortable telling her mom what really happens in Oz, so she gestured for Regina's mother to do it.

Cora gave a sinister smile before whispering in the princess's ear.

"This can't end well." David said to himself.

Snow's eyes widened.  
"That. Is. Terrible!" Snow exclaimed.  
"Why would they even hint about that on a children's show!? A children's show!" She asked. "David, we are never watching that again. I don't think I can look at Spongebob the same."

"Dramatic much?" Regina said, watching her step-daughter break down.  
"It's a cartoon show."

"I still like it." Neal said.

"It does have a certain charm to it." Gold agreed.

"There's nothing charming about it anymore. You ruined it for me." Snow told Cora.

"Geesh," Regina said, "she didn't even tell you about the names."

"I don't wanna hear it!" Snow communicated, covering her ears.

"What about the names?" Gold asked. "I'm intrigued."

"Sandy Cheeks." Emma answered. "You know, like someone's as.."

"I get it." Gold replied, cutting the blonde off.

"And then there's Bikini Bottom. Which pretty much explains itself."

"Stop ruining it for me!" Snow yelled.

* * *

**A/N: **I've never played Flappy Bird, I'm not sure I can write about it. Thanks for reading. (: And 'Oz' was a tv show about men in prison. It was pretty explicit.


	3. Chapter 3 Instagram

A/N: I get a bit off topic here.

* * *

"My question is, when did it become vine? It started out just being a place for pictures and then all of a sudden they want to add videos. Biters." Emma said.

"There's nothing wrong with more options." Snow replied.

"I hate to say it, but I actually agree with your mother." Regina said, opening her refrigerator.  
"Their innovating. How many people would actually still be using Instagram if they'd just stuck to pictures?"

"I would." Cora said, answering her daughter's question.  
"Of course I'm not savvy with this world's technology. Someone was supposed to teach me..."

"I've been trying to, mother. But you're too busy taking your heart out and putting it back in again." Regina said.

Cora touched her chest. "It feels strange. I haven't had it in for years. It makes me feel vulnerable. Some days I'd just rather do without it."

"Anyway," Emma said, changing the topic, "Instagram not only bit off of vine. Now they copy Kik and add a DM. Really?"

"It's like Facebook now." Neal chimed in.

"Aye, just without those annoying adds." Killian added, agreeing with his step-son.

"Who has time for that?" Mr. Gold asked.  
"Spending hours and hours on a ridiculous social networking site. It's childish."

"I don't spend hours and hours on it." Neal said. "Just, you know, a few quick minutes."

"Instagram is foolish. What ever happened to the days when you'd take a picture and put in it an album book? Who cares how many likes you get on a "selfie"? Or whatever it's called."

"Selfie's right, Rumple." Cora said.

"It isn't even a word." He added.

"Hey," Emma responded, "dearie's not really a word either."

"It is, sweetheart." Snow informed her daughter.

"It's a term of endearment, genius." Cora said, snickering at the blonde's ignorance.

"Do you have your heart in or were you always this bitchy?" Emma asked the former queen, annoyed at the older woman's sarcasm.

"She was always this..." Cora glared over at her ex lover,  
"never mind." He said, cutting off his thought.

"My mother _has_ her heart in her chest. Not that that's any of your business. I put it back in her chest when she was sleeping. If I tried doing it while she was awake, Henry just might be without a mom."

"Umm, Regina." David said, "Emma would still be here."

"What's your point?" Regina and Cora asked in unison.

"I'm his mom too... you know what, we're not having this discussion." Emma said.

"Good," Cora communicated, "because I really don't want hear your voice."

"Regina tell your mother to stop being mean to my daughter." Snow asked.

"Or what?" Regina replied.  
"You'll kill me, like you tried to kill my mother."

"No. Though, that's not a bad idea."

"Snow!" David said.

"I'm kidding." Snow responded, giggling.

"Why do you hate Emma?" Gold asked.

"I don't hate her." Cora replied. "It's just... something about her annoys me. I just don't know what it is."

"Guys!" Neal exclaimed.  
"The topic isn't why Cora hates Emma. The topic is Instagram."

"I've said all I'm going to say. Instagram is copying off of the other social networking sites." Emma said, finishing her opinion. She sat back, feeling a bit insecure.

"I like the diversity." Snow replied, disagreeing with her daughter.

"I unfortunately agree with the princess." Regina added in.

"I continue to think it's all a huge waste of time." Gold responded.  
"Showing random people photos of yourself, I just don't get it."

"And that's all folks." Neal wrote off.

* * *

A/N: I'm a huge fan of Cora, just fyi.


	4. Chapter 4 Neal's death

"They killed me?" Neal asked, looking around the room at the different faces.

"What? Why!? It feels like I just got you back." She said, looking a bit confused.

"It feels like you just got him back?" Mr. Gold questioned, mockingly. "I'm the one who spent hundreds of years looking for my son, only to lose him again. It's just not fair."

"I'd say it was fair." Killian said, piping up. "Of all people, Neal knew that magic came with a price. I mean, _Rumplestilskin_ was his father. Yes it hurts to have him die and I do hate to say it, but the lass knew better."

"The captain's right." Cora agreed. "Besides, what's with the outrage over his death? I die and people cheer? He dies and people stop watching?"

"Hey, I can't help if I'm so popular." Neal replied.

Emma rolled her green eyes. "Really? You're quoting Mean Girls now?"

"What's a Mean Girls?" Zelena asked.

"What's she doing here?" Regina asked, not hiding the edge in her voice.

"She's apart of the show now. So, here she is." Neal answered simply.

"Is anybody else uncomfortable with her presence?" Emma inquired. "I mean, Neal, she is kinda the reason you're dead."

"I'm uncomfortable with _your_ presence." Cora muttered under her breath.

Emma squinted her eyes at the former queen of hearts and Zelena took this moment to speak up.

"Debatable." She responded. "Like the captain said, Neal knew that magic always came with a price. Clearly he didn't care. He just wanted his father back."

"I agree with my..." Regina stopped herself. "I agree with the witch."

"Thank you little sis."

"Don't _ever_ call me that again." Regina stated.

"I can't believe you guys are actually blaming me for my death." Neal said. "I mean, I just wanted my papa back."

"Awh." Cora communicated, putting her hand on her chest. Everyone looked at her utterly confused. "What!?" She asked, seeing everyone's incredulous eyes staring back at her. She shrugged in response. "I put my heart in today."

"Anyway," Emma said bringing the subject back to Neal. "I'm really gonna miss you. You were my first."

"I really don't want to hear this." David said, covering his ears with his hands.

"Love, guys! Geesh. Neal was my first love!"

Hook rolled his eyes. And Snow lightened up a bit.

"I thought you meant the other thing... you know," Snow said, "the uhh... birds and the bees..."

"I'm gonna miss you too." Neal replied.

"Miss each other?" Regina asked. "He's dead on the show. Not the fic. You'll both see each other next time. Duh."

Emma smiled at him. "Right. I knew that."

"But what about the show?" Neal inquired, envy evident in his voice.

"What about the show?" Emma asked.

"Who are you... who are you gonna be with?"

"Do you have to ask?" Cora chimed in. "They're not exactly being subtle with."

"At all." Regina agreed.

"They wouldn't know subtly if it hit them in the face with a tornado." Zelena responded, also agreeing. "It isn't a matter of who, more of a matter of when."

Hook smiled to himself knowing full well that they were all talking about him.

Neal sighed. "It doesn't matter who you end up with. As long as you're happy, Emma." He said, looking over in Hook's direction. "So you better treat her right or I'll haunt your ass forever."

"No need to worry, mate." Hook replied "I will treat her right." His face all of sudden getting serious.

Cora rolled her eyes. "Anyone else over captainswan? I mean, it was all predictable. Absolutely no shock factor on who Emma was going to be with. Especially now that Neal's dead."

"Predictable, boring... I mean, I could go on forever." Zelena responded.

"Why is that I'm agreeing with you today?" Regina asked. "But whether it's predictable or boring we should at least be happy for Emma."

Cora shrugged again.

"Well, I guess I agree. All anyone ever wants is love, right?" Zelena asked.

"It hasn't happened yet." Neal informed them.

"But it will." Snow said. "It is quite obvious."

"Everyone is right Neal. Sooner or later that ship will sail." Gold stated.

Neal looked at Emma. "Don't be afraid, Ems. Even though I am a bit jealous. I don't want you to be afraid to find love. Especially not because of what I did to you back im the sixth episode of season 2. You deserve happiness and if Hook provides that for you don't be afraid to find Tallahassee with him."

"Awh." Cora said. Again, everyone looked at her. "I can't help it, it's cute. Now why wasn't this canon!?"


End file.
